So, for reasons I’d rather not disclose at the moment, I got sucked into dragging my eyes across the pages of the first three books. I got about six pages into the fourth and called it quits, wary of the impending onslaught of an aneurysm, and decided to let my sister-in-law drop a summary on me.

Anyways, upon hearing the mind mashing, awful cop-out of a close, I commented on a thread that a girl I used to work with started. It should also be noted, that while I’m reticent to admit it, I did get a bit wrapped up in the story… I’ll be honest, I kind of have a nerd boner for sci-fi, vampires and such…

Either way, we went back and forth a bit, and in my frustration I went ahead and wrote another ending in an attempt to assuage my mild discontent.

So, yeah… I saved a bit of the thread anyways, so I hope it does something to explain how I think it should all end. I hope you like it, and I’ll apologize beforehand if you don’t. I know it’s a bit crass, but I’m a fan of candor, and I’ve never been a fan of throwing on a filter.

Preston Roeschlein:
Yeah. Pretty awful. In fact it’s far more than awful. It’s totally fucking Mormon. All I got was that, appropriate to the character of a bible-thumping, crazy mormon cunt’s novel, he ends up banging a three year old in the body of an 18 year old who is the daughter of his former heavy petter, or something ridiculous and incestuous to the like. I heard a bit more, but decided to stop Ami there, and re-write my own ending in my head. It goes like this:

It was just approaching dusk when Jacob had begun to make his way up the stairs to the shit shackled trailer that he had called home for so long. It had been a long day, and the abortive, incessant, droning disquisition of Bella had really begun to wear him to the bloody bone. Yes, he was somewhat relieved to have left her on the roadside pinned under that 140 pound bike she so awesomely Billy Joel’d into that giant oak, but the indirect, irrational brain bashing nonsense that consistently tumbled out of her mouth had left his mind soupy. He stopped at the last step to the entrance and leaned against the wall while slowly reaching for the screen door. His head was swimming in a fury of confusion and frustration. He exhaled heavily while attempting to regain his focus.

“What the fuck just happened?”

For the first time since he numbly walked away while she bitched and moaned under the fuming metal and spinning rubber, he questioned her well-being.

“Nah, she’ll be cool,” he confidently asserted to himself.

It was only a split second of curiosity. He was void of reluctance, and in the process of considering the new position he had put himself in, far removed from that perpetually menstruating ball of bitch, he had begun to feel better already. Kind of like that feeling you get when you finally hit flush on that giant, bulking remnant of last night’s mexican food that had been punishing your digestive system for the last twelve hours, and you then walk out of the bathroom tall, proud, and a bit lighter physically and emotionally. He knew that at some point, that super boring, melodramatic, junky-looking boner would be there at her side to act as fodder to her crazy cannon.

“Yeah, fuck that uppity bitch,” he let out with a liberating deep breath and a smile. “Considering he’s a fan of blood, and she flushes it out of her vag on the reg, it works out perfect. She’ll be like his upside-down Pez Dispenser.”

“Why the fuck did I even give that chick the time of day? Listening to her talk was like listening to a deaf guy fervently explain his experience with Dark Side of The Moon.”

All things considered, he knew deep down that she totally sucked anyway. Aside from her narcissistic tendencies, and unwarranted sense of entitlement, there was pretty much no substance to her.

With that, Jacob floated inside, high on his newly discovered liberation, grabbed an old bottle of Sailor Jerry’s, some peyote buttons from under is dad’s sink, and began to pack his things.

“I’m nearly 18, and I’m a fucking werewolf, fuck this noise!”

Jacob downed the bottle, popped the buttons, and headed to where the weather didn’t fucking suck all the time. He traveled the world, and documented all of his experiences, wrote a few novels, and a few years later ended up intermittently working in Hollywood to write and direct primarily comedy films, and make music. He still does that to this day. Oh yeah, and he married Kate Beckinsale (who also happens to be the hottest vampire ever). He still turns into a wolf from time to time to just run around and be awesome. Also he’ll turn into a wolf every now and then to take a 30 pound dump on his neighbor’s lawn when they piss him off.

It should also be noted, that Bella, and that nauseatingly predictable dude slammed their Mercedes into a truck bed full of 40 foot javelins that spontaneously combusted, and they died on impact.

After reading a series of Stephanie Meyer books, the rest of that dude’s family felt compelled to Cobain themselves with the help of the other vampires.

THE END

Love this piece, girl!

Can’t wait for “Daisy”!

Take Care.

P.S. cool blog